happy holidays

Like the movie "Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind", I wish I could selectively have some things erased from my memory. I am in a lot of emotional pain, but can't help but be grateful for my wonderful friends and my wonderful family.

Mom has given me sleep aids, cooked food so good I can't turn it down, and taken me for "retail therapy". In twenty-four hours I will be getting on an airplane by myself, most likely with an empty seat next to me, to fly to San Juan, Puerto Rico. I will get to play with some of the best salsa bands out there, lay in the sun in the 85 degree weather, try new foods, and go to a rain forest. Shouldn't I be happy and excited?

I am filled with so many mixed feelings, excitement, sadness, anger, I have received many blessings and many curses. But so much in a short period of time? Will I ever experience stagnancy?

Andy Strasmich, a flautist living in NYC, asked me if I believe in fate. I told him no, I believe in the beauty of coincidence, and the beauty of the unpredictable ripple effect our actions have on the world.

Friends are funny when one is going through a breakup. They immediately jump on this bandwagon of "oh my God you poor thing, what a jerk, you're too good for him, you can do so much better. Do you want some Tylenol pm? Some Zoloft? Some pot?" They want everything to immediately be black and white, they want to tell me I have been horribly taken advantage of and victimized, and they want you to feel better right away. I guess no one really wants to talk to a raincloud. I think I just need some time to be by myself and just be sad.

But I have to say, everything is a two-way street, and I don't know if I could spend my life with someone who wasn't interested in seeing me play with the best trumpet player in the world. I know lots of male musicians as busy as me, who have girlfriends who happily follow them around to all their gigs, carry their equipment, hang out with their musician friends, and are absolutely content with this life. But I won't even get into gender issues.

My extended family is so severely dysfunctional that I am spending Christmas with just my parents, and we are not making a big deal out of it.