Thoughtcrimes II

Just like yesterday

2008-06-04T13:46:00.000-07:00

Wow it has been over a year since I updated this.... so much has happened, people who need to know already know. I kept a blog on my website, but that site is too closely associated to my professional life, and some of my rantings were not appropriate for all eyes. Now I mostly keep a private journal, because there are things I desperately want to remember, but don't want others to know are running through my mind.

Someone who I would prefer never to speak to again, a person I would prefer to forget exists or ever entered my life, opened up the avenue for conversation via Facebook. The opportunity is tempting, especially considering the mind numbing boredom in the office, I have nothing to do and already finished reading Love in the time of Cholera this week during my hours sitting at the front desk. But I absolutely must resist. However much I would like to forget, I must never forget everything that happened, because once a child burns their hand on a hot stove, they remember not to touch it next time. This is the first week in over a year that I have had peace: normalcy, contentment, rest (within daily routine), days going by without crisis. He just had to stir up the damn pot. He only wants drama and to be his usual, manipulative self, and I am a different woman than I was the last time we spoke, and I will not play ball.

on mean people

2007-04-09T22:17:00.000-07:00

There are mean people in this world. I am naive and have not wrapped my brain around this concept yet. Why they are mean is beyond me. Maybe insecurity, ignorance, who knows? Not to say that I am perfect, but I am still not over that rear view mirror thing, and I was cussed out on the phone tonight for trying to get money I was promised for a gig.

2007-04-03T15:17:00.000-07:00

I have been accepted to Eastman School of Music to do a masters in jazz arranging and composition. They have offered me a 50% scholarship, plus a living stipend in return for working as a jazz band assistant as well as an office assistant to Bill Dobbins. I can swing that, but is it what I really want?

the twenty-somethings of cincinnati setting a new standard of excellence/ lament over my rearview mirror

2007-04-01T16:05:00.000-07:00

So last night I was driving down a street in Mt. Adams at about 2:30 in the morning. I had just gotten off of a gig with Son Del Caribe in Newport, and Brian lives in Mt. Adams which is much closer to Newport than where I live, and we had to go do our church gig the next morning, so I was going to go crash at his place for a few hours before I had to get up. So all the bars in Mt. Adams had let out, and that place turns into a big, testosterone-filled frat party on the weekends, but was unusually busy last weekend, there were hoards of hundreds of people filling the narrow streets, walking in front of cars, stumbling, and generally being obnoxious. A mini mardi gras. I was stuck behind a car whose driver had decided to get out and have a conversation with a pedestrian, and a big, meaty guy in a white button-up shirt walked by my car and casually took a swing at my right rear view mirror with his arm, and knocked it clear off my car. I repeat, he just walked by and KNOCKED MY REARVIEW MIRROR OFF MY CAR WITH HIS RIGHT HAND. ~thwack~ Just for fun. Like, walking down the street..... ~whistling~.... ~THWACK~ Just because he could. I was in my car, my car was running, I was minding my own business. Maybe this is naive of me, but I am completely baffled. Who does that? Do thoughts like this really go through people's head? Do people really have little enough on their mind for the thought to cross their brain "wow, I am going to walk up to that girl's little red car and knock her mirror off". Never, ever, ever, in the 21 years of my life, have I ever had the slightest inkling of a desire to damage anyone else's property. Friends, enemies or strangers. It's kind of an incomprehensible thing to me.

I should also mention that there were three police officers standing on the sidewalk not five feet away from my car when this happened, who did nothing. They didn't try to chase down the guy in the crowd or stop him. I got out of my car and looked at them, and they looked at me like "what? what are you looking at?" Cincinnati's finest setting a new standard of excellence, as well.
So a message to the jerk who knocked my rear view mirror off my car with his steroid-filled arm just for kicks: I hope you feel really big and feel like a better human being for having done that to my car, because it is going to be an expensive repair. Actually, I just hope you broke your hand or arm, or both.

No longer a dumb blonde.

2007-02-22T14:08:00.000-08:00

So this year I have been taking a really hard class on live sound reinforcement and digital editing. I am a trombonist, so I knew absolutely ZERO about this subject, and the course is even supposed to just be a review, nicknamed "sound self-defense for 'fucking idiot' jazz musicians." to learn very basic things like what a mixing console is, and how to turn it on, and how to tell a sound guy you have feedback in your monitor in such a way that he doesn't just look at you funny and walk off to the beer tent during your show.

But I've enjoyed the class a lot. I also am a computer idiot, which puts me at a further disadvantage in the course, and I do have to spend a lot of time being like "wait wait wait.... how does that plug into the computer again?" But I have certainly held my own in the class, and learned a lot, and I do enjoy it once things click. I also sort of enjoy hanging out when Bill (the teacher) is doing work and just shadowing him.

So further study on the subject has often been crossing my mind. We also touch a little bit on midi and electronic music, and I wonder if I would enjoy crossing over into this field post-graduation. If anything, at least now I could hunt down some reasonably priced hardware and software, an external hard drive, and be able to do recordings of myself and others of reasonably good quality. Or operate a board at a club in a pinch.

Next week I will be doing a live multitrack recording of Legend Vega into DP, as well as running the sound system, ALL while playing keyboard onstage. Overdubbing background vocals later the following weekend. Wish me luck. I am a dumb blonde no longer.

The Roots

2007-02-12T22:13:00.000-08:00

After everything I still feel very uprooted. In the past two months I have been through a breakup, went to a place where people speak a different language, started dating again, was called back for and auditioned at a grad school, registered for more classes than I can handle. Renewed contact with an old old friend with whom I may live with someday. It's too much. It leaves me unable to focus. I still haven't caught up with myself.

I'm going to Chicago for fun this coming weekend.

I had an orchestration assignment where I had to listen to Schoenberg op. 10 and do my best abstract art with pencil and paper. So despite my previous rant, it was a significant experience. My aesthetic is uprooted, as well.

I hope school is cancelled tomorrow for the snow storm.

Write on, write on.

2007-02-11T11:30:00.000-08:00

I'm sorry but where do certain unmentioned arranging and composition gurus in the united states get off telling me that I need to take more tunes out of the jazz repertory and arrange them for five horns or big band. What about the music inside of me? Sometimes I don't feel like reworking other people's stuff. Sometimes a great jazz tune is perfect as it is and doesn't need to be messed with.

And who did Schoenberg think he was, anyway? Where did he get off all "not believing in tonality" and shit? And who does Bartok think he is, writing all these hidden palendromes into his music that NO ONE WOULD EVER HEAR ANYWAY, WHICH IS STUPID BECAUSE MUSIC IS AN AURAL ART FORM, and atonal music is stupid because it sounds like crap. No one would ever ever ever, in a million years, come home from a long day at school or work, and feel truly enriched and moved by popping in a cd by Schoenberg or Messiaen or whoever.

What did these people tell their mothers and fathers who didn't go to music school for years and years? Wouldn't a composer like to use their music to enrich the lives of their families, their lovers, their children, their community, their nation? Why would people want to write music that isn't for everyone? I am so tired of the high art/low art divide. Music can be written that everyone can enjoy for different reasons.

Maybe someday I'll understand. If anyone has a good explanation, I have an open mind.

New Gig

2007-02-05T09:05:00.000-08:00

I got a new gig playing gospel piano at a gospel church (yeah i know that's a little self-explanatory) I feel like I am flying by the seat of my pants on this gig, but the reverend seems very pleased. I enjoy seeing people get so excited about jesus.

After seeing Prince on the halftime show, I got in a very Prince-ish mood and watched his las vegas concert dvd. Awesome. If I could wave my magic wand and do anything, it would be to work in pop music.

So I'm getting my keyboard chops back, learning how to use digital editing computer programs and other recording equipment, and about generally geeky stuff.

Broken New Year's Resolution

2007-01-26T14:23:00.000-08:00

A good friend of mine and I made a new years resolution pact: staying away from boys for professional and mental health reasons. I didn't do a very good job. Neither did she. I think it's ok though.

To my defense, how does one turn down a good looking, well-dressed, polite, mild-mannered gentlemanly guy asking me out for sushi? Someone who can relate to the burning desire for the creative process inside my heart? I may be a career bitch, but if there is one thing I have learned, I am not made of ice. Everything is not as it seems. Pardon me for jumping the gun, but he is really a fabulous guy. We have much to talk about. he is so nice. I was really beginning to think the only thing I enjoyed anymore was the writing process, practicing, performing, new musical opportunities, but the workaholic bug is gone. Commissions lay untouched, finished music lays unrevised, dishes and laundry pile up, it doesn't concern me like it used to. I am more interested in watching movies, playing with cats, going to the bar. Watching too much tv, leaving mutes and other shiny objects in my car, placing knives sharp side up in the dish drainer, falling asleep in front of the tv. Blasting Bamboleo in my car. Being politically correct. Newly appreciated by friends and untouched by criticism, I finally enjoy cooking again. I am not practicing enough, I am auditioning at Eastman in two weeks. Maybe I was in the wrong place and it was easy to put the blinders on? Maybe January is just slow? Maybe I am capable of living a normal life?

An old friend recently got back in touch with me (props reggie I know you read this!!!). I think the world of him musically and personally. We are talking making a BIG MOVE to the east coast together, but everything is still so up in the air. What if I decide for professional or personal reasons want to stay here? I'm enjoying my life here right now. What if I visit Chicago or LA and like it? What if Legend Vega makes it (yeah that's a real iiiiiiffff)? The closer I get to graduating, the less sure I am of what I want. But even if I don't go and hardcore push a music career, NYC has been in my mind for so long... everything is upside down, but not necessarily bad.

On the gig side the same old thing... subbing for people, kissing ass. Dayton Jazz Orchestra is still fairly regular, the Tropicana decided not to renew their contract with Cincylatino, so Son Del Caribe is s.o.l. for now. A few things coming up with Legend, possibly a trip to Detroit? I'll believe it when I see the contract.

A side note for those of you residing in the 'nati: Legend Vega is doing a show at the Havana Martini club this Wednesday from 9-10:30. Be there or be a big loser.

New Beginnings

2007-01-07T19:40:00.000-08:00

I returned to Cincinnati on January 1st very exhausted, to a cold, rainy world and a lonely lonely lonely apartment, having turned down two weeks worth of gigs, and worried about losing many more. But good luck and good work seems to fall out of the sky when I need it, as well as encouragement from reappearing and new friends.

I have probably had more of a social life in the past seven days than I have had in the past two years.

Dayton Jazz Orchestra did an excellent reading of some of my music Thursday, and people enthusiastically talk of publishing, as well as asking to buy copies of my big band music. I will start pushing my work on companies when I finish school.

I have to take 18 credit hours this quarter to graduate on time.

Puerto Rico was a wonderful place to visit, but not a place to live. They have the tightest, loudest and most macho bands I have ever played with, a beautiful rainforest, the world's largest radio telescope, and a corrupt government and infrastructure. But the people have a real sense of historic and cultural pride, and pride in their local arts and music, bomba and plena is real and tangible to them, salsa and merengue is on almost every FM radio station, it's the equivalent of every american loving our appalachian folk music tradition, blues and gospel, and jazz. Not left to hipsters and ethnomusicoligists there, it really is the music of the people. Everyone was very friendly, I had a great trip.

The trip did not help me heal, but only suspended feelings which I had to deal with upon returning to Cincinnati. But I am eager to dive back into my work, I will be leaving the city within the year, with many possibilities on the horizon. New York is often on my mind.

Although I am not ready for it, I have taken up a date offer I can't refuse for the next week. I would prefer to hole up in my apartment and practice and write for a few months, and repair my life in solitude, but friends never cease to pop up and drag me out for fun. Probably the most healthy thing.

happy holidays

2006-12-24T11:46:00.000-08:00

Like the movie "Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind", I wish I could selectively have some things erased from my memory. I am in a lot of emotional pain, but can't help but be grateful for my wonderful friends and my wonderful family.

Mom has given me sleep aids, cooked food so good I can't turn it down, and taken me for "retail therapy". In twenty-four hours I will be getting on an airplane by myself, most likely with an empty seat next to me, to fly to San Juan, Puerto Rico. I will get to play with some of the best salsa bands out there, lay in the sun in the 85 degree weather, try new foods, and go to a rain forest. Shouldn't I be happy and excited?

I am filled with so many mixed feelings, excitement, sadness, anger, I have received many blessings and many curses. But so much in a short period of time? Will I ever experience stagnancy?

Andy Strasmich, a flautist living in NYC, asked me if I believe in fate. I told him no, I believe in the beauty of coincidence, and the beauty of the unpredictable ripple effect our actions have on the world.

Friends are funny when one is going through a breakup. They immediately jump on this bandwagon of "oh my God you poor thing, what a jerk, you're too good for him, you can do so much better. Do you want some Tylenol pm? Some Zoloft? Some pot?" They want everything to immediately be black and white, they want to tell me I have been horribly taken advantage of and victimized, and they want you to feel better right away. I guess no one really wants to talk to a raincloud. I think I just need some time to be by myself and just be sad.

But I have to say, everything is a two-way street, and I don't know if I could spend my life with someone who wasn't interested in seeing me play with the best trumpet player in the world. I know lots of male musicians as busy as me, who have girlfriends who happily follow them around to all their gigs, carry their equipment, hang out with their musician friends, and are absolutely content with this life. But I won't even get into gender issues.

My extended family is so severely dysfunctional that I am spending Christmas with just my parents, and we are not making a big deal out of it.

jinx

2006-12-18T06:58:00.000-08:00

New thing on my list of things I will never do again:

Plan a trip with a boyfriend months in advance that involves airline travel.

Yeah I know it's been awhile

2006-11-21T11:23:00.000-08:00

Suddenly I am bored out of my mind, sitting in the jazz department computer lab waiting for the DVD of my senior recital to burn, which takes about an hour. The mac is like "arghhh i'm trying so hard!!!!".

Much too much in the past few months.

I am finishing up my last year of school, assuming I don't fail any of my classes this quarter, because I have developed a bad habit of skipping to catch up on other work. Gigging a couple nights a week, usually with latin band Son Del Caribe or other various dance bands in the area. Almost no work with Dayton Jazz Orchestra as no one wants to take over since Scott Belck left. Just as well, they were bad about paying, anyway.

Writing a shitload of music for pop singer Legend Vega (visit www.legendvega.com), along with rehearsals once a week. We'll see what happens there, I hope it takes off.

Parents forcing me at gunpoint to apply for grad school. Funny how they still wield that kind of control when I'm supporting myself... something tells me that if I don't even want to bother with the paperwork, that's not a place I want to be right now. Oh well, maybe I'll be glad I did it later.

Other writing projects include a couple tunes from my recital, a big band chart to be recorded Monday, November 27th, a short piece for orchestra to be recorded the first week of December, rewriting a cadenza of a trombone concerto to be performed December 8th, three short pieces for trombone and other instruments......

I really need to get a real website set up. One of my goals for 2008.

Rick VanMatre and I had a really depressing conversation last week. Well not necessarily depressing, but it left me more lost than ever on what I'm going to do after graduating. He found a very wordy and flowery way of saying "grad school isn't a good idea for you right now, you need to spend some time and decide where you really want to live and what you really want to do, and run with it full force. But make a DECISION."

Everyone has different advice.

Getting hooted and hollered (hollered?) at or bandleaders commenting on the 'very attractive trombone section' becomes a regular thing on gigs. One of the joys being a girl in a nontraditional field.

Funny since I've definitely put on ten lbs.

The product of being out and about all day, eating fast food, eating at 3 am when I get home from gigs, eating the choclatiest, greasiest thing I can find. Sitting in the JAZZ DEPARTMENT COMPUTER LAB WAITING FOR A STUPID DVD TO BURN WHICH HAS TAKEN AT LEAST AN HOUR.

Since she is a regular reader of my blog when I actually update, kudos to Mike and Nancy on the great wedding. And congratulations. And thanks for the very cute card.

As a sidenote, I hate mac keyboards, this blog entry has taken twice as long as it normally would to type. Actually I generally hate macs.

Some exciting news....

2006-08-29T17:06:00.000-07:00

I have some exciting news.

If you live in cincy and talk to me on a regular basis, you probably already know about this because I'm completely stoked and can't stop talking about it.

A trombonist in Columbus, named Vaughan Wiester, who has had a very successful music career and has a big band in Columbus, got wind that I had written a few big band charts for school. So he asked me to bring them up one night for the band to play.

So I did, and he wanted a copy of one to put in his band's book.

In addition, he called his ol' buddy Bill Dobbins at Eastman School of Music to tell him about me.

He then called me and said "I recommended you to Bill Dobbins so you have to send him your portfolio now."

So I did.

And Bill Dobbins really liked it, and really wants me to come do my masters at Eastman to get my masters in Jazz Studies and Contemporary Media (writing).

Thirty grand for a masters at Eastman, plus I really wanted to take some time off after finishing this degree.

But the more I think about it, the more I think I should strike while the iron is hot and go for this.

what's new....

2006-07-08T16:47:00.000-07:00

I know I haven't blogged in a long long long long time. My internet has been out as Dmitri took the wireless router back to NY with him, so I have nothing to plug into or log on to in my apartment. I've resorted to coming to school to do my computer work, but I don't have time on days when I work.

work.......

Still not enough gigs to support myself, so I work 3-4 days at the cincinnati zoo. Before you say anything, no it's not that cool. I drive the train or operate the carousel, or monitor the lorikeet exhibit or the kangaroo exhibit. FYI: Kangaroos are pretty boring, and birds are straight up stupid and dirty. The real animals are the kids and their idiot parents.

But if you ever wanna go to the zoo for free, let me know. I'll hook y'all up.

Son del gigs are still going on, but we haven't had any for a month or so because Sonia is in Mexico, Jaime is in Venezuela, and Paco is in Africa.

I've started playing with this Latin pop group, I swear someone could make a movie out of it. The entire thing is a farce. But they get some decent gigs and pay more than jazz gigs, that's for sure. Jaime hasn't been really specific over whether I'm just a sub while he's out of town, or if I'm replacing him. Something was mentioned about me replacing, but I can't understand anything he says over the phone, so I don't really know what's going on.

All leads for new jazz gigs at restaurants have fallen through. Figures. Hence I have had one jazz gig this summer. I had a lot of salsa gigs in june though. I might have another jazz gig in august. This is sad.

Ok I'm at an outdoor table on campus, and there's a weird guy bugging me, so I'm gonna bounce.

peace.

How to tell a trombonist's car.

2006-05-26T12:51:00.000-07:00

"How can you tell a trombonist's car?"
"The pizza delivery sign on the roof."

werh werh...... you've heard it all before, ladies and gentleman. The funny thing is, i've actually had a steady stream of gigs lately. Not enough to say i'm living off it, but my gigs are separated by days, not weeks or months.

I went and waved my demo cd in the face of some bar and restaurant owners the past few days, and they actually bit!

A note about this whole new immigration policy thing. Latin Americans are good for the economy, they create work. Remember, they spend their money in America, generating revenue and jobs.

In fact, one of my best gigs lately has been for salsa bands, a huuuuuuge mixed crowd always shows up, I can guarantee there wouldn't be any salsa bands around if the Latin American community didn't show up in droves to listen and dance. I would be out of a gig.

a conversation between my friend cam and me

2006-05-18T18:03:00.000-07:00

spirasolaris111: his name starts with a k
spirasolaris111: and ends with a enny werner
saxmancam: hmmmm
saxmancam: keith jarretwerner?
spirasolaris111: LOL
spirasolaris111: ROFL
spirasolaris111: i don't know does keith jarret do schools ever?
saxmancam: no, but his doppleganger keith jarretwerner does
saxmancam: he wrote this weird book
saxmancam: called shmeffortless shmastery
spirasolaris111: dude i feel like i'm in a parallel universe right now

Ode to a poopie-head police officer

2006-04-28T08:56:00.000-07:00

Dear Mr. Police Officer who was out clocking people at midnight on a Monday night and pulled me over on my way home from a gig in Dayton:

You're a Meanie.

I know I was doing 90 in a 65, but there was no one else on the road for me to hit! And anyway, I'm extremely good at driving fast, I'm not clumsy about it. Dad taught me better than that.

And anyway, I was driving home from a shitty gig an hour and a half away that didn't pay anything, and I had to get up early the next morning for class.

I tried to cry to make you feel bad, but I was too tired to make it happen (maybe driving that tired isn't such a good idea, after all.)

Anyway, I know you knocked it down to 85 so I don't have to go to court, but it's still, like, $80 and six points on my liscense. And my car insurance is going to go way up.

Dear Mr. Police Officer, you'd better watch out, because if my friend Assia ever meets you, she said she'd throw her shoe at you.

You'd better watch out, because her shoes are very pointy.

2006-04-22T09:16:00.000-07:00

It has dawned upon me recently that I am getting old.

Now, of course, this is all relative, and a lot of people would laugh at me for such a statement.

I look at some of the freshman jazz majors and think "god, are they even shaving their faces yet?"

I have a picture of a bunch of the jazz majors in my class from when we were freshman.

It's interesting to see how different everyone looks.

I never go out to parties and get hammered anymore. Even when I have the inkling to do so, no one calls. Most everyone just goes out to the bar, and I can't do that for two more months.

My Friday nights are more often spent doing homework, or getting halfway through a glass of wine before I pass out on the couch, watching reruns of Seinfeld or something.

I also have lost my amazing ability to sleep past 11 am. Or stay up past 2 am.

Except of course, when I'm trying to plug through a bunch of Karl Marx for my literature class.

2006-04-19T23:54:00.000-07:00

It's 3 in the morning.

I drank coffee at midnight.

I read "the communist manifesto" by Karl Marx for my english class, as well as a companion essay.

I'm convinced Marx was smoking something.

Time for ramen noodles.

Happy Easter

2006-04-15T17:40:00.000-07:00

I'm glad Jesus died for my sins so my parents and I could go out and eat all sorts of shellfish for dinner. Mussels, scallops, and crab cakes. and NO MATZOH! BWAHAHAHAH (sorry Rachel, I love you and your pro-passover coconut macaroons are awesome!).

Actually I'm a skeptical agnostic so I guess it doesn't really matter either way.

Although I do try to avoid the subject of religion with most people. I don't want to rile anyone up.

I had to read "Darwin: A Very Short Introduction" for my literature class. Don't ask me why this is literature. But it was still fascinating. It explained what darwinism is and isn't (social darwinism=perversion of his theories), and explained areas of his theory which he wasn't quite able to work out.

2006-03-24T21:22:00.000-08:00

http://www.leftlanenews.com/2006/02/22/vw-strikes-again-un-pimp-my-ride-videos/

"V dub: representing Deutschland, ja!"

What a girl wants, what a girl needs

2006-02-18T15:10:00.000-08:00

I passed my board, and played very well by my own standards for the Disney audition. Keep in mind I had to pump myself full of beta blockers for both events.
Their use for performers is controversial, but I have mild anxiety issues to begin with, and they become almost unmanageable when I have to play for people. My performance anxiety completely impairs my ability to even breathe, much less play with any sort of expression. I've only put up with it for this long because I never knew anything else. I thought it was ok for my knees to knock together as I was trying to play a solo for judges. Beta blockers have been a life changing discovery for me.
Now I just cross my fingers and hope I played better than everyone else.

Falling behind on my next big band chart, as well as an impending history paper. I blame it on the fact that I am finally getting gigs. I knew it would happen eventually.

Story: I subbed for the Dayton Jazz Orchestra back in January, and the lead trombonist, Vaughn, made fun of me a lot. Apparently he is notorious for this. In a twist of ill fate, he has come down with Bell's palsy. I feel very bad for him, but I got his gig until he recovers, which could be an indefinite amount of time(Vaughn says, "What?! A girl jazz musician? What is this? Arts and crafts?"). Steady gig, pays a little bit, good band. I can't help but smile, as my facial muscles are working (sorry that was mean!).

Gig with Dan and Jake at Kaldi's on Wednesday, March 1st. Baby steps, I'm winning the small battles.

Still studying with Jaime on the weekends, on a fairly regular basis now. He says, "You are getting much better. I don't yell at you because you are sucky player, I yell at you because I expect more of you than this."

Last night Cha and I went to a mexican restaurant in Colerain where I had very good chips and salsa and a very watery taco salad. Cha tried flan and didn't like it, so I ate her flan. Then we went back to her place to watch "Guys Gone Wild". It was more amusing than anything else. I'm not interested in seeing guys who are only tan from the waist down shake their pale, flabby butts or itty bitty boy parts around. I wanna see cowboys and fireman. We got bored and watched a documentary on a county coroner, followed by the Nutty Professer. Mmmmmm... 90's goodness.

A bitch, a burrito, a big band and a bum.

2006-02-06T09:06:00.000-08:00

I've been very busy getting ready for my board, which is wednesday, and the Disney audition (again....) which is Friday. Being cranky, crying over dumb things. Thank goodness beau Trent is incredibly patient with me.

My big band chart was played last sunday by the Jazz Lab Band. Honestly, it lacked that "oomph", you know, that thing, that makes the chart, and all music for that matter, what it is. It sounded as if the band had gone to Chipotle together and eaten big burritos, and were then too tired to play. Oh well.

Apparently I am guilty of lacking the same intensity in my own playing. When playing a quiet piece for Jaime in my lesson saturday, he said, "Shhhhhh! Piano is not dynamic, piano is state of mind!" and started tiptoeing around. What a nut, but he's right. Bringing me a little closer to understanding what this is all about. I didn't get yelled at as much this weekend though, so I must have played well.

There was a man sleeping oustide the door to my apartment this morning. I've never seen him before in my life. He could be a bum or a friend of my next door neighbor (who is crazy like a fox and looks like jack nicholson). Regardless, Rachel and I were a little freaked out. Rachel just told me that he left right before she left for class, and the police got there too late to do anything. Things like that make me want to move out of clifton.

Our apartment also smells like gasoline.

ATTACK OF THE DUMB WHITE COLLEGE GIRL!!! RAAAAH!!!

2006-02-01T17:59:00.000-08:00

So, this quarter I am taking a once-a-week night class called "Issues in Contemporary Society". I would much rather be taking the next German sequence, or maybe a literature class or picking up some Spanish, but I don't need humanities credit, I need social and ethical issues credit. Which is why I am in this class.

Most of the people in the class aren't the brightest crayons in the box, and neither is the teacher, if you ask me. For starters, I don't put too much faith in someone who mispells "AIDS" or "sociology". Secondly, this teacher is supposed to facilitate discussions of modern issues, and help people think critically based on facts, but I feel he has a clear agenda: invalidate the opinions of the dumb white college girl.

Now I hate to make this an issue, but he made it an issue, not me. Tonight in class he seperated us into four groups: black women, white women, black men and white men. The indians, asians and pacific islanders in the class were lumped into the "black men" group. Then he gave us an issue to talk about: "should the legal drinking age be raised to 25?" First of all, this is kind of a dumb subject. A good teacher would have remained unbiased and listened to all opinions, but he had an obvious agenda: nothing good comes from alcohol, and you shouldn't have it anyway, so why not?

All of the working moms over the age of 30, along with all the men were allowed to speak without rebuttal from this teacher (don't get me wrong, props to all the nontraditional students out to better themselves!). But when I pointed out the fact that making something illegal, unavailable and taboo creates alternative markets like drug rings and gangs (further perpetuating the violence and social problems he was complaining about), he compared me to a woman who said her fourteen year old daughter was going to have sex anyway, so she taught her daughter about it and gave her condoms (saying this while angrily pointing his finger at me). He said that I wanted to eliminate problems by accomodating youth's wants and whims. Well first of all, don't they give out condoms in high school sex ed? And secondly, I'm rather offended that he attacked my opinion, which is based on reading the newspaper and listening to NPR, and let other people spout off complete BS about how a 25 year old is not mature enough to go out and have a beer in America (although Germany, with a drinking age of 14, does not have a problem with binge drinking in college). He also spewed off rebuttals to the other traditional, non-black female students in the class, although none were as harsh as what he said to me.

The only saving grace for this class is that it seems that my classmates like me. When I raise my hand, a lot of the people around me are like, "oh ask her, she has something to say!" They laugh at my dry comments, and most came to my defense when the teacher so rudely attacked me.

The Big Band Chart Writes Itself

2006-01-26T18:54:00.000-08:00

In a conversation the with my mom the other day, she commented about how I seem to be very good about starting assignments and not procrastinating. Apparently in college, she refered to herself as "Last Minute Linda". Then she thought for a second, and went on to ask, "But with these projects like writing a big band chart, don't you have to wait for a time when you really feel good and mentally clear to get anything done?" My response was "I don't know, it's not like I work on it every day, but every time I sit down ideas magically float to my head, kind of like a fist."
Sure I have moments where I say "what section should I have play this line?" or "Is this idea maintaining continuity with the style I want, or am I going off on a tangent?" or "is this section to short or too long?" So when I have those moments I get up and do something else. Usually by the time I come back I have some sort of solution in mind.
So writing a completely original chart is not a laborious, painstaking process for me right now. My pencil seems to magically vomit graphite onto my manuscript paper. I never find myself spending time staring at a blank score.
The ego boost of having my chart played at a concert is probably really helping. I know my musical ideas are valid, I don't feel the need to second guess myself all the time right now.
Don't you love that I'm so inspired by writing music I was inspired to write in my blog?

The Fox and the Crow

2006-01-22T15:28:00.000-08:00

A CROW having stolen a bit of meat, perched in a tree and held it in her beak. A Fox, seeing this, longed to possess the meat himself, and by a wily stratagem succeeded. "How handsome is the Crow," he exclaimed, in the beauty of her shape and in the fairness of her complexion! Oh, if her voice were only equal to her beauty, she would deservedly be considered the Queen of Birds!" This he said deceitfully; but the Crow, anxious to refute the reflection cast upon her voice, set up a loud caw and dropped the flesh. The Fox quickly picked it up, and thus addressed the Crow: "My good Crow, your voice is right enough, but your wit is wanting."

In other news.....

This quarter is a little less busy, leaving me some free time to visit friends!
I played at Baba Budan's last friday, and am trying to book other gigs.
My big band chart will be performed by the Jazz Lab Band on Sunday, February 5th.
I've been sitting in with salsa bands a lot.
I auditioned for Carnival Cruise Lines, and plan to audition for Disneyland next month.
Things with Trent are still going strong ^.^

I've never liked Ben Stiller, anyway.

2005-11-26T20:32:00.000-08:00

A semi-relaxing weekend at home. It's always good for me to get out of the city, and I always look forward to coming to an impeccably clean house in the country with an apple pie baking in the oven. This midwestern fantasy is usually made reality by my anal-retentive mother (who always manages to time things just right so the pie is done ten minutes after I arrive, and even has little apple-shaped dough cutouts decorating the crust), but it's never quite as relaxing as I expect it to be. There is something deeply unsettling about having fifty channels to watch on tv, not having to walk anywhere, and not being allowed to actually touch any of the furniture.

I got a little practicing done, but not as much as I wanted, as I was constantly interrupted by "Aren't you done practicing yet? Have you taken a shower yet today? I need help setting the table. Don't you want to go shopping or help me with the food?"

I can't make any major complaints as I received a substantial sum of "pre christmas" money from my grandparents, and subsequently went out to buy a creAtive Zen MicroPhoto (super cool mp3 player with a color screen that stores pictures as well as songs), and a puma sweatshirt. I also got to stuff my face with great food, and drink lots of really good wine that I don't have the refined palate to truly enjoy.

My usual foreign film marathon that I hold every time I come home was negated by my mother's trip to the video store (damn it, she beat me!) I was strapped into a chair, mom taped my eyes open and put drops in them through the Will Smith film "Hitch" so I would have to watch. I refused to be subjected to "Meet the Fockers", it brings back too many flashbacks from a dating disaster last spring, and I hate Ben Stiller, anyway.

My mom and my aunt like to stand at the kitchen counter, drink wine, and talk about what a dangerous place the world is today. As well as bitch about the rest of the family. Dad and I bury our noses in our books, or retreat to our respective computers.

2005-11-22T00:48:00.000-08:00

Thank God it's almost thanksgiving break.

I am so ready to get out of this city for a few days.

Holiday fun this year will be just my parents, my aunt and me. Which means no holiday family drama. Yay!

I'm reading "Me Talk Pretty One Day" by David Sedaris. It leaves me rolling on the floor lauging. Actually a really nice lift after reading One Hundred Years of Solitude, and Atlas Shrugged before that.

Once you strip away the glam and dancing of the musical "Crazy for You", it's about a thirty something who still receives an allowance from his mother falling in love with an alcoholic, white trash girl from Nevada. I can't help but be baffled at how this can be mutated into a happy, idealistic love story with some sequins, dance numbers, and phrases like, "but I just want to dance! I don't care about money!" The hell you don't care about money.

I think someday I'll write a musical. It'll be awesome.

Maybe I'll set "One Hundred Years of Solitude" as a musical.

HA. I'm sure Gabriel Garcia Marquez would be thrilled.

I have to go play trombone with a bunch of people who don't like me now.

2005-11-17T18:49:00.000-08:00

Whatever happened to "Just be yourself?"

My quirky personality has brought me a few very close, very wonderful friends during my past couple years here in the Nati. And I am grateful. But it has also caused me to feel completely alienated in my program.

For you readers who don't know, I'm a member of a tight-knit jazz program of fifty or so good friends. I am part of it, but not so much in some ways.

People whom I would love to get to know come in every day and casually and happily say hi to each other and are chatty and fun, and as soon as I'm present, it's a simple, cold, "Hey."

I go to Roh's street, or the occasional Chipotle with them, and no one really says anything to me. It's as if I'm invisible.

I open my mouth to join the conversation, and get weird looks more often than anything else.

I'm sure they talk about me behind my back, as well.

Well, the jazz department always seems to be so full of gossip.

"Just be yourself" is great if you have a personality palatable to others.

There are probably a dozen or so entries similar to this one in my former blog, but it feels like such a recurring theme in my life.

It sounds immature until you have lived it.

Not to be ostracized from a seemingly essential group of people for your gender, language, creed or color of you skin, but to simply be ostracized because you are annoying/weird/have an odd personality. Something we can allegedly change and control. Something that shouldn't be an issue at this age. Sounds like high school all over again, huh?

It wouldn't matter except that I have ALL my classes with these same fifty people, as well as all my ensembles, see them every day in the practice rooms, and hope to have gigs with them in the future.

And that I like these fifty or so people.

OOPS!

2005-11-16T01:19:00.000-08:00

So as my schedule has become slightly more sane, I've become addicted to blogging and aol instant messenger once again. Yay :D

If there are two things that I have learned about relationships, and keeping my sanity when I'm in one (which always tends to be a really difficult thing for me), it's that when I get a bad feeling, there is usually a good reason, and I shouldn't dismiss it. My insecurities are rarely unfounded.

I have also learned to express my feelings and be honest, because if I don't, they build up until one day I freak out and go crazy, lol.

But I have been known to jump the gun. ~shrugs~

In other news: I got a sweet new ringtone on my phone! Call me so I can dance to it!

this and that

2005-11-14T16:24:00.000-08:00

Eww it started to rain here.

And I'm getting sick.

The musical is upon me, which means I am stuck in "Tempo di MGM" land for the entire week. I will rarely see the light of day, the light clipped to my music stand will be my sunshine.

Not that it matters because it's ugly out, anyway.

The rehearsal chairs really hurt my back. I wish I could get a really good massage.

I'm very offended when I step outside of my CCM gender utopia, and professional men suddenly become very unprofessional and treat me like a piece of meat after I come to them for help advancing my career.

I also feel off kilter as various people in my life are giving me weird vibes.

Not the good, pretty vibes Milt Jackson would play (har har, I had to inject some humor).

At the same time, I could use the peace and quiet, but there is none to be found in my apartment.

Ok, I'm done whining.

The public library rocks! (and the story leading to this conclusion)

2005-11-09T18:23:00.000-08:00

Long day.... anyway, I had a lesson with Marc this morning, and we were talking about boards. Now, I am a very self-motivated practicer, especially when I can practice what I want. Which has essentially been the situation this year so far. But that nasty five-letter word is creeping up: BOARDS. Which always means lots of patterns, scales classical solos and tunes played to Jamey Abersolds.
Now there has always been something deeply unsettling about those Jameys to me. They always seemed to take the fun of learning jazz and turn it into an exercise. I've always loved transcribing and learning by ear, which is why i got so into jazz in the first place (besides the fact that its totally awesome), and exercises, believe it or not, always made me want to throw up all over the place.
So Marc is always asking for my input and feedback on what we're doing, and I usually don't have much to say. But when he asked, "Now, do you have the play alongs for the tunes on this board?" I said, "Ok, I have some input to make now." I've always wanted to just learn tunes from the original jazz recordings, and yes the Clayton brothers told us to do that when they were here at CCM, but every really high level jazz musician has been telling me to do this my whole life. Even (heaven forbid) David-Baker-bebop tells people to learn tunes from the recordings. So I told Marc I wanted to try going recording-only for these board tunes, he was a little taken aback and skeptical, but he knows I get my shit done one way or another and was like, "I'd be a bad teacher to tell you no, although I don't know how we'll do assignments...." I hope I didn't step on any toes with this suggestion, but I feel like I make so many concessions when preparing for boards, and this is one I just couldn't go through with.
As a sidenote, Marc definitely received all his jazz exposure before the jamey abersold era, and I'm a little surprised that he's SO INTO THEM. They must be a real novelty to him.

Now, of course I had to find recordings of the tunes for the upcoming board. But I am too broke to buy the cd's, and feel very uncomfortable about file sharing. So I went to the downtown public library for the first time. It's a HUGE building, they have a very nice jazz collection, and when using the online catalog, all you have to do is type the artist or name of tune you are looking for, select "jazz recordings" to narrow the search, and hit enter. So convenient! I picked up some John Coltran, Milt Jackson, Jimmy Smith and Ella Fitzgerald. Delicious.

stop the madness!

2005-11-07T16:28:00.000-08:00

Due to a few complaints, I will grugdingly write a new blog entry (althgough I'm really not feeling it).

Lets see, my demo came off well considering the circumstances: I had a huge pain-in-the-ass time trying to ensure everything would be unlocked that day, Steve Seifreid's computer broke, and Aaron Jacobs had to leave early. My near panic attack caused me not to play as well as I would have liked, but no complaints on the finished product.

I sent it in for the sisters in jazz competition last monday. I'll also send it in for Downbeat soon. And hopefully fine some time away from school to hustle it around the city for gigs (jazz trombone gigs.... ha!).

Anyway, that plus writing a big band chart, plus trying to keep up in music history and german has left me really really exhausted. Do you know what it feels like to be working on a big project for a couple months, and then be done with it? Yeah it's like that.

But there's no time to pause and breathe. The deadline for my big band chart is looming over my head, and I'm playing the CCM production of "Crazy for you". Tempo di Broadway, jazz hands and mass corniness. Anyway, I'll have to rehearse that vomit-inducing music from here to infinity. Or at least November 20. It feels like infinity.

I would love to work in pit orchestras for the pay and the challenging music, but while the music is challenging, it also usually SUCKS. I really can't stand musical theatre.

Thank goodness for my personal chef/masseuse/therapist/chess buddy (har har).

La Dolce Vita

2005-10-17T17:11:00.000-07:00

Once again, fall is in full swing, and as I'm sure I gushed over the season last fall in my blog, I will do it once again. Fall kicks ass. It makes everything wonderful. It gives me an energy and momentum I don't feel any other time of year. Fall is electric, nostalgic and beautiful. The sky is never so blue any other time of year. Fall smells good. Really really good.

As far as the momentum mentioned in the last paragraph, I'm kicking ass at life. I always sat here in front of the computer, contemplating how to get my wheels moving, how to get my life started. How to get my ass in the practice rooms, achieve a high level of playing on my horn, make a demo cd, take auditions, ask people to hook me up for playing opportunities, land a steady job for much needed extra cash, organize all my crap, schedule my day, balance my checkbook. It's all happening, as a part of growing up.

Don't get me wrong, CCM still stares me straight in the face every morning and asks if this is really what I want to do with my life. And some days I still quake in fear and tell myself I don't really know. But I've gotten halfway through, there is light at the end of the tunnel, and I might as well run with it after all the work I've already put in. College shouldn't be any other way.

My recording date is set for two weeks from now. Even closer, the Clayton brothers are coming on Friday. I'm very excited to play for them. Although being in the basement of CCM for two days straight will be a bummer with the nice fall weather (no sunlight for us jazz majors, just fluorescent lighting and recycled air in the basement).

Last Friday Trent dragged me kicking and screaming away from my horn to spend the day with him, since it was his birthday. I did insist on going to my classes and a scheduled job interview (for UC tutoring, I landed the job!). While sitting at dinner, I had a nervous twitch and was silently thinking to myself, "must....practice.....must....practice...." and my anxiety got even worse when I saw the bill! But it was still a very nice evening. I'm glad I cut out from my work before 8-9 pm to partake in sushi and all sorts of good alcohol.

Hmm, what else? Mom is stepping on my toes a little by sending me random newspaper articles on everything from relationships to flu vaccines to mediocre jazz musicians. But I can deal. The important thing is to tell her what she wants to hear, and keep her off my back in order to live my own life. Which I feel I am doing very well.

Who Dey?

2005-10-04T14:20:00.000-07:00

I usually blog more when I'm in my introspective phases. I'm not in one.

I have a recording date set for October 29th. No job yet, no time for one. Jazz ensemble is everything I ever could have hoped and dreamed it would be. The John Von Ohlen combo is ok. Big Band arranging is a big waste of time, but I'm glad I'm getting school credit for turning out a chart. Anyway, we only meet for half the quarter. Music History suuuuuuuucks. I have a paper due tomorrow. The whole organizational thing is going beautifully. I love packing my day full of stuff and getting it all done. It makes me feel like such a badass.

Here's an anecdote you readers might find to be entertaining. Well, at least I found it to be entertaining at the time. Last night Trent called me while I was at salsa (sometimes I like to go to salsa by myself), and convinced me to join his physical chemistry "study group", which had really just degenerated into a study of Jameson and Guinness. Once I got there, Trent, who was substantially loaded at this point, proceeded to announce to all his friends "Hey guys, I have an announcement to make. I am dating a complete badass." Irish car bombs do funny things to people.

The Bengals are apparently 4 and 0. I can hear the drunk people yelling "who dey?" until 3 in the morning, and they start up again around 8 in the morning. You know you're going to go far in life when you get up earlier than you normally would just to start drinking. For those of my readers who aren't Cincinnati locals, "Who Dey?" comes from the cheer Bengals fans have for the Cincinnati Bengals. It goes something like this:

"Who Dey? Who Dey? Who dey think gonna beat them Bengals?"

Somehow this ghettoed-out cheer with enough grammar errors to make me cringe is rather appropriate for the city, as well as the football team. The Bengals are a really really crappy football team, most people can't remember the last time they played this well.

I actually find it to be an appropriate slogan for the lovely city of Cincinnati. My friend Federico and I agreed that Cincinnati is sort of like a really talented, bright kid who smokes a lot of pot and refuses to apply himself/herself.

Another thing worth mention is that I can't wait for the weather to get cold. Fall is my favorite season. Trent and I have agreed to go to a cider mill on a weekend and get apple cider and caramel apples, and maybe go on a hay ride. I would pick a pumpkin to carve, but the pulp and seeds inside always totally grosses me out.

Beer Pong is for Ladies....

2005-09-25T12:03:00.000-07:00

Friday night was lots of fun. I was just going to do homework until the CCM bacchanalia, but Nancy called and invited me to "Nancy's 6 to 9" (more like 7 to 11). Lots of fun, as expected. Trent joined us when he got off of work, and convinced Mike and Nancy to come with us to a frat party. It's funny how evenings take odd turns like that.

It was nice to have some friends there with me, I often get dragged to these things with just Trent, and end up not talking to people and probably looking like a pompous bitch.

So Mike loves beer pong! Weird.

Now comes the story behind the title for this entry. Apparently Trent and Mike lost their second game of beer pong, and some stupid schmuck frat boy made a snide remark at Trent about it. Trent, being hammered and about twice this kid's size, was probably two seconds away from headbutting him into the ground or something. Now I am not a violent drunk, but I am quite belligerent, so I turned around and said, "That's because beer pong is a great sport for ladies!" That's what he gets for taking it seriously. What a stupid, unsanitary activity.

We ended up completely hammered and leaving by 12:30 or so. As the freshman do (or as the lushes do?).

As I was brilliant enough to not eat dinner before all these adventures in substance abuse, I laid awake most of the night, and was hugging the toilet the next morning. Fun fun.

Some more sidenotes:

"The Constant Gardener" was an amazing movie! Be ready to cry a lot.

I love watching "Globe Trekker" on PBS.

In a contest between Silk and crappy off-brand soymilk, Silk wins. The vanilla off-brand tastes like vanilla icing or vanilla vodka, and gets all grainy and sinks to the bottom when I put it in my coffee. Now, chocolate is a different story, as the chocolate off-brand is much more chocolatey than chocolate Silk.

Starfucks is awesome when it's free.

And update from the last entry:
I'm in the Von Ohlen combo, which is fine, and Steve Seifreid is going to record my cd in late October.

Random Stuff

2005-09-20T14:21:00.000-07:00

So much to say! I just haven't been feeling the blog thing so much lately.

Still no word from anyone who can record me. Which pisses me the hell off. I would like to be able to send in my cd for SIJ on time.

Also I'm waiting on ONE reference that I need before I can schedule an interview to be a tutor. Time is of the essence, I'm sure spots are filling up quickly with students whose teachers/employers care enough to take ten minutes to write a reference for them.

School starts tomorrow! IF everything goes as planned, I'll be quite busy.

I'm taking:
Music History II
Big Band Arranging
German 201
Lessons
Ensembles

I made third bone in jazz ensemble and am playing in the Crazy for You pit. No complaints, any spot in ensemble was my minimum goal, and obviously I must have played trombone decently to be in the pit. And I like that musical. It's fun ^.^

No word on what combo yet, apparently the faculty are deciding that as I type this entry. I hope they put me in a good combo again this year.

Cha and I jammed yesterday! So much fun! I still like her playing even though she doesn't play anymore. She always had a swing concept very rare in most people.

My free time lately has been taken up by tromboning, chess with Trent, reading "100 years of Solitude" (I finnished Atlas Shrugged! Go me!), knitting, Starbucks freebies, and applying for jobs and auditions and crap. Oh and the occasional party. They don't exactly carry the same allure they used to, drunkeness now means "meh I'm tired I wanna go to bed."

I have quit smoking ALL thing which are smokable, as peril is imminent if I continue. I am also on a diet, as peril is also imminent if I continue to eat eggs fried in bacon fat and lots of Chipotle (I apparently have the cholesterol of a baby-boomer overweight corporate bitch).

I feel very much at peace with myself, at peace with my playing, and I feel happy with my progress in life. It is now becoming apparent to me that this summer gave me a lot of time to think about my life and see things clearly. I'm only twenty and don't know what I want from life yet, but I know what I need to be doing right now, and I know that I can.

If only you could be there.....

2005-09-13T17:51:00.000-07:00

One day last week Trent and I were driving towards the I71 North exit (over on east mcmillan). We were stopped at a light, and saw a car pull up next to us. It was HOT PINK/fuschia, beat up old car with those shiny wheelcaps that keep moving when the car stops. The driver was a black woman with HOT PINK hair perfectly matched to her car. I wish I had a picture to post.

One of the many reasons I love living in Clifton. There is never a dull moment here, one of the greatest sins is to live a dull existence. An exciting life is a virtue I have practiced all too well.

At least I don't have pink hair.

face/palm

2005-09-11T22:23:00.000-07:00

So much to say, so little that can actually be said.

My new skizzirt

2005-09-01T14:17:00.000-07:00

I sewed myself a skirt today. Sewed...... myself........ a skirt. I rule.

It's made out of this fabric my Aunt Cindy bought when she was living in Africa. It was sitting in her closet for 20 years, and she didn't know what to do with it, so she gave it to me.

She also tried to pawn off a pair of sandals from Africa on me, they looked cool, but were waaaaaay uncomfortable.

The fabric is red, yellow, green and turquoise. Yes, it is hideous by some standards. I put red lace fringe underneath.

It is a very loud skirt. I think it looks like something Frida Kahlo would wear.

But I have a philosophy on sewing. If someone sews something, no matter how gaudy it may be, they have full entitlement to wear it with pride, because sewing is a rare talent these days. If you can sew it yourself, it is automatically cool.

Bedside Manner....

2005-08-30T21:31:00.000-07:00

My optometrist is really weird. Every time I go in he asks me where I'm going to school and what I'm doing, and I'm always like, "I go to University of Cincinnati, I'm studying Jazz Trombone." And he always has some stupid comment like, "Oh that's cool! I have a friend who never went to school for music but he plays all these different instruments!"

Everyone I meet has a friend who plays an instrument for fun, or has four degrees of seperation between them and a professional musician who isn't famous, anyway. Like, if I went to a doctor, and he was like, "Yeah, I'm good friends with this guy, Michael Brecker. Do you know him?" or "Yeah I'm Michael Brecker's doctor, doesn't it suck that he has cancer?" (although that would probably violate the doctor-patient confidentiality), then I might be interested. But otherwise, I don't care.

Do people do this to doctors, lawyers, and businessmen? "Oh yeah my sister's, best friend's fiancee is a lawyer." I don't think so.

To top it of, as my family doctor was poking and prodding me this afternoon, she said, "Yeah my grandpa used to play jazz drums back in the 50's, he still likes to go to his basement and play for fun." Great. I bet he sucks.

What is it about artist/musician types that people feel like they have to find some weird 6th degree of seperation to relate to us? Shut the fuck up and finish poking me with needles so I can get the hell out of here.

"surreal world"

2005-08-28T13:50:00.000-07:00

And once again I must touch on a running theme in my blogs and my life. That "Hey, wha happened?" feeling that I seem to have about my environment around me. Sometimes I feel like I get through weird experiences and adjustments by putting this "filter" up so I don't freak out at stuff.

I've been at home, with all the modern conveniences of home. Mom drags me to the mall to go shopping a lot, she likes that. I've been organizing all my crap, washing clothes, washing my car (it was suuuuuper dirty from this summer, inside and out), and trying to get things set up for the upcoming school year.

Mom and I have been getting along surprisingly well. I sort of freaked out when I found out she wanted me to visit relatives for a week and then be home for a week, but we haven't had any arguments yet. She bought me dark purple curtains for my bedroom to block out the sunlight, and a "sleep mate", a little machine that makes a "wooshing" noise and filters the air. It's supposed to block out a lot of outside noises. I wonder if it'll block out construction noise, drunk people at the biergarten next door, and my neighbor's domestic disputes. That would be way cool.

I decided to entirely forego my plans to go to Berlin next spring. By the time I would do all the extra German tutoring to pass the proficiency test, and would scrape together the money to go, I realized there would be little time to actually practice my horn this year. And the whole point of the the trip was to get better at trombone, so the process defeats the purpose.

Instead I'll stay in the states this year, I'm planning to record an audition CD for Sisters in Jazz when I get back to school, and audition for Disneyland (again), and pull some strings to get connected with a cruise ship band. And practice a lot, as always.

Oh! And I have a new resolution for this school year: I'm going to stay organized! Ok guys, please don't fall on the floor. I'm getting a hanging file box for all my papers, instead of letting them pile up on my desk. And I'm going to keep bills and receipts, and balance my checkbook so I don't overdraw my account ever again. And I'm going to get one of those big planners with the hours of the day for every day, so I can plan my day out instead of sleeping till noon and wasting lots of time.

One thing that has changed. I really enjoyed sobering up this summer, I cleared my head and generally feel better, so I probably won't be going out and getting shitfaced all the time like before. It's a goal of mine to not go to class drunk/hungover all the time this year. But you guys know how well I do with peer pressure......

Anyway, I was going to move back Sunday, August 4th, but now it's been moved back to Saturday, August 3rd. I do look forward to returning, but life will be so different.

this summer

2005-08-25T22:22:00.000-07:00

Gah, it's finally time for me to break down and write a post on what my summer was like. I'll start out by saying, this post won't do it justice, nor will any explanation I can give, this experience is hard to explain to anyone who hasn't been through it themselves.

This summer I went through a week and a half of camp counselor orientation, which consisted of ice-breakers, child behavioral psychology lectures, and team building activities.

Four two-week sessions taking care of girls. Sessions I and IV were eleven year olds, sessions II and III were fourteen year olds. Each age group presented their own set of challenges. Ok, I won't fluff it up, the fourteen year olds were fine, the eleven year olds were a huge pain in the ass.

This summer I hiked an average of three miles a day with my trombone on my back. I developed a huge sweet tooth and an affinity for smores and cheesy crackers with peanut butter. I kicked the drinking, the smoking, the cell phone, the tv and the computer. I learned how warm and amazing other people can be, and that people at school can be cold and carry a lot of pretense. I jammed with the jazz faculty, and played in some mediocre ensembles with other counselors. I became a morning person, and would be on the beach by 8 am with my cup of coffee. I practiced trombone outside every day. I colored care bears pictures, read, and wrote letters in my free time. I found love.......

I found passionate, totally requited, don't-hold-back love. I found love-scene motion picture sound track love. I found "he really is that into you" love. I found change-your-life-forever love. I found love that electrifies your entire body. I found love that makes one want to burst over with emotion like a volcano.

I was intrigued the day I met him, and was smitten within a week. And here's the thing: after all the weird, screwup relationships I've been in, one doesn't expect feelings to be reciprocated. But he was smitten too. I could never explain all the fun we had, all the experiences we've shared. There may never be another chapter, as we are now seperated by three time zones. Which absolutely kills me. But regardless of what the future holds, the most important thing is that now I know what true love is. I know what it feels like to be in love, and to be loved, and I know that all things that came before were an illusion. I've never felt this way about anyone. ever.

Although I have only been gone for two months, they say that you can't go home again, and I believe that it's true. Although, I'm sure, Cincinnati has remained the same, I have changed too much. I was so excited and longed for the craziness of clifton all summer, but now that the day draws near, I feel a lot of apprehension.

Northern Michigan's Local Flava

2005-07-11T12:15:00.000-07:00

Well, I've been in Michigan for a good while now. Session break today and tomorrow, thank golly goodness. I've met lots of people as overly-energetic as me, the counselors here are all really cool, although mostly band nerds. My kids first session were a handful, but quite endearing. Next session I have high school kids, I'm scared.

The little free time I have has constituted of practicing, driving to lake michigan to hang out on the beach, exploring quaint areas of northern Michigan, and lots of cigarettes.

Last night I went with another trombonist out to Lake Michigan to watch the sunset. They say the sunsets on the puddle are great, and I wanted to check it out over some Leinenkugels and hummus. The sun was on fire, the sky was purple, the water reflected the light like shiny glass.

I can't lie, I'm having a good time.

But I miss salsa dancing, indian food, and not having sand in my shoes all the time.

Readjusting to Cincinnati in September is going to be difficult and strange.

another year, another "wtf?"

2005-06-16T13:19:00.000-07:00

I can barely even recall what I've been doing the past six months. Everything is such a blur. I think I had fun... (question mark?)

I got A's in everything except my trombone lessons, where I got a B+. Don't even ask, I'm too pissed off to discuss it riht now.

I visited my high school marching band, it was so surreal. Kids who were freshman when I was a senior are now seniors themselves. I feel so old. I'll be twenty in five days.

Being home this week has been incredibly hard. I love my parents so much, and I really want for us to have a nice time together, but it's so hard to not end up arguing by the end of dinner every night.

I feel like I should make some mention of a recently aquired friend from school. His name is Trent. I usually try to be as candid and honest as I can in my blogging, but I haven't made significant mention of him yet because I haven't known what to say.

Part of this is because at first I had a very nonchalant, "Oh God, not another one" attitude. And I know I've been quite open about my dating life on my blog. He is not in CCM, he lifts weights, works at Starbucks and has friends in fraternities. A far cry from my "type". But then, all my dates lately have been.

But I kept an open mind and was pleasantly surprised! It turns out he is a real intellectual, a quality I haven't enjoyed in a date in quite a while. I didn't even realize how much I missed it. I actually feel very at ease with him, too. And he doesn't seem to mind too much when I express my dislike for Starbucks or frat boys in pink shirts. And he's liberal. :D We had a blast in our many drunken exploits during hell week and finals week.

Too bad we started hanging out less than a month before my summer job in "The Mitten". Although it will provide an interesting opportunity: we have agreed to get drunk and write each other eloquent letters. I'll probably have to skip the getting-drunk part of that, as I will be supervising young girls, and I must set an upstanding example!

Some highlights of this week: DDR with KT, seeing Cam, (it's always so great to see both of them!) Also, getting my teeth scraped at 8 in the morning.

Tomorrow is packing and Saturday is the Indy Jazz Fest. For those of you who never gave me your address, I'll talk to you in September!

a little about my dad

2005-06-13T22:27:00.000-07:00

so yeah, I've been home for a few days. Same old gorging on random food, fricton with my mom, and being dragged to every large shopping mall in the area that comes with every break.

I give my mom a lot of attention in my blogging, since she and I have a lot of tension, and it's the same old stuff about her not approving of anything in my life. But my dad doesn't get a lot of attention because he and I get along very well. I've really grown up to be more like him than mom, she even says so.

So this blog entry is dedicated to my Dad, since father's day is coming up!

If you ever wondered why I'm so short, it mostly comes from that side of the family. We're a bunch of short, stocky Germans. We're also all very intellectual and very eccentric. Any weird quirks come from him too.

Now my dad busts ass at this big company every day as many American fathers do, and has gotten to the point where he's thinking about leisure activities and retirement. Now some adult men like to golf, some like to drive boats around. My dad like to drive cars. Really, really fast cars.

Last fall he bought the newest model of a Corvette, and drives it around on the back country roads in Indiana. He took me for a ride in it today. He was doing, like, 60-65 on these tiny little windy roads in Brown County that are barely wide enough for two cars. He said once he found a quiet stretch of road that was straight enough, and did 120.

When we got back I got out of the car and almost fell on the ground and puked all over the place. It felt like an hour-long roller coaster ride.

I guess that's one place where we differ, I enjoyed the little car ride, but if I ever amass a large sum of money, I have no interest in buying a really fast car and driving it. I also don't know how to drive a stick.

Anyway, my dad is pretty cool. He gets me, he gets what I'm trying to do and has every bit of confidence I'll pull it off. My mom just sort of looks at both of us, and is like, "what the fuck?"

Things I will miss about Clifton

2005-06-10T21:54:00.000-07:00

Well, I'm getting ready to up and split town tomorrow morning. I have very mixed feelings about leaving. There are so many people I want to hang out with, and now I won't get another chance until I return in September. I have never left Clifton for this long since I moved here (I stuck around last summer).

There are some things I won't miss about Clifton, like the fact that I can't get any sleep in my apartment. Construction behind my building, thugs in the hallway outside my bedroom yelling at each other, my place is so small that when Rachel or Ilan so much as breathe, it's loud enough to wake me up. I also won't miss the traffic, the panhandlers and all the dirt. And sadly enough, I won't miss CCM. My conclusion is that I love music, and I want to play professionally, but I hate CCM. Solution? Stick it out for two more years and then get on with my life.

But here are some things I will miss this summer:

Ambar
Apna
Salsa dancing
Thai Express
Jimmy Johns
My friends!!!!
My roommate!!!!
Creepy-looking old victorian buildings
The Blue Wisp
The Esquire
Burnett Woods
The guy with the bicycle who sits in front of my apartment building, but never asks anyone for money.
Parties
Over-The-Rhine
Findlay Market
My volunteer job (I don't care how many kids I'm working with this summer, they won't be the students at Kids Cafe!)
Kim Pensyl
My apartment
The view from my window
The weird people who live around here

So I'll try to drop as many people as I can a line, but I am lacking in a lot of email addresses and street addresses. If anyone would like a postcard from beautiful Michigan, leave me your address on here, or on AIM, or send it to me by email: mehneraa@email.uc.edu

Also, my email will probably be the easiest way to reach me this summer, if 'ya feel like it ^.^

Toodles!

Finals Week

2005-06-06T17:40:00.000-07:00

Well, tis finals week, and I have a wonderful technique to get through it with my sanity. It's called not studying. Ok, I lied, I might study a little bit, but I don't think I've ever studied for a final for more than two hours. And by studying I mean talking to people on aim with my notes in my lap.

So things have been fun, and now that my life is significantly less insane, I am actually able to sleep, and not be having a constant panic attack. Although my head and neck won't stop hurting. I need a deep tissue massage.

Friday was filled with drunken obnoxiousness. Ridiculous CCM bash for about 20 minutes, and then Trent dragged Assia and I to a frat party. We actually had more fun at the frat party, terrorizing the owners of the house by drawing sexual pictures on their dry-erase board and eating sun chips (they were out on the counter - fair game!)

Saturday: Findlay market with Trent, fun as always (I <3 style="font-style: italic;">looooooooove playing Congas.

Sunday: Atlas Shrugged, practice, cooking with Trent, laundry and Grey's Anatomy (yes I'm addicted to that show). Uneventful and relaxing.

Monday (today): It's balls hot out. Trent and I went on a suburban adventure to go clothes shopping (yes we've been hanging out every day ~shrugs~). I enjoyed laughing at the suburban people and the silly clothes they like to buy.

My air conditioning is broken, so I think I might go over to school to practice, since it is a beautiful 65 degrees in CCM. Then salsa.

Jazz History final at 10am tomorrow morning. Wish me luck!!!!

Jiggles Wiggles

2005-06-03T17:13:00.000-07:00

Well, this hell-week has been especially hellish, which is why I haven't written since the grease-fire incident. Classes are over, there is so much to say, but so little.

I guess one of the highlights of the time I spent with Jiggs is that I may get to go to Germany to study with him after all. I would have to take spring quarter off next year. I'm getting started on the paperwork now. There's a chance it may fall through, but I'm going to try my darndest :)

Jiggs is amazing. His teaching style is similar to that of Dee Stewart, except that Jiggs plays jazz. While he emphasizes the importance of learning jazz harmony and how to play one's instrument well, he also emphasizes the spirit of the music. If someone played something unenthusiastically in a masterclass or rehearsal, he would stop them and lecture about how we should always respect the music, and how serving it should be our primary purpose.

I finished my jazz theory project. It wasn't as good as I had hoped.

Last night I learned to play go. A new hobby to love.

Today has been particularly nice. After German, I jammed on quinto and gonqogui with Noriko (we're in afro-cuban music lab together). Then stuffed my face at Apna. Then got tickets to go see Herbie Hancock next thursday.

Awesome.

"If you can't take the heat, get out of the kitchen."

2005-05-29T21:14:00.000-07:00

I wasn't planning on posting today, but something happened this evening that I think demands mention. We had a grease fire in our oven. Lots of fun.

We were making a nice Sunday dinner for which I would be fifth wheel (Scott Grupke and his wife were going to join us), Rachel turned the oven on for the potatoes while I was getting green beans ready. We smelled smoke, but I figured our oven was just being retarded, because weird smells come from it all the time. The smoke detectors went off and I just ignored it for a minute, because they go off every time we cook. But when I turned around and saw the entire apartment filled with smoke, I freaked out a little bit. I opened the oven (bad idea, the oxygen made the fire worse), and saw a nice little fire in the oven. After trying to pull the broiler pan out with oven mits or a pair of tongs (bad idea again), the smoke got too thick to breathe and Rachel and I had to get out. After making a few phone calls (Ilan, the rental company, my mom), we tried putting salt on the fire (Mom's suggestion). Didn't really help. I eventually found a fire extinguisher on the second floor (ironically enough, it was being used to prop open one of the fire safety doors which are supposed to remain shut).

Crash course in fire extinguisher operation. I also found out that the stuff that comes out smells really bad, and becomes a layer of dust everywhere. It's also a bitch to clean up.

So we packed up the food and took it over to Ilan's to have dinner, since the apartment was not going to be habitable for a few hours, until the smoke cleared out. Really yummy dinner, by the way!

So when I came back later, I decided cleaning the oven sounded like more fun than finishing my jazz theory arrangement. Not really. Fire extinguisher dust and burned grease do not come off easily.

At least the oven got cleaned, though.

Late-night Clifton Goodness

2005-05-29T03:17:00.000-07:00

I did have a lovely evening, Blue Wisp with the family (jiggs played trombone and it was enchanting), multiple frat parties (my first time, it's like a car accident: repulsive but fascinating. You have to look away but you can't). But I think the best part was the stroll back to my apartment.

I walked home by myself, which was probably a dumb idea, but I do it all the time and never have any problems. Anyway, I'm glad I was by myself, I wouldn't have wanted anyone with me for the world. I walked by the "haunted" auditorium, which is condemned now, all these CCM students have stories about breaking in and exploring. I sat on the ledge of the stairwell outside Warner and watched the half-moon peek in and out from behind the black clouds. Something straight out of a werewolf movie. I sat there and thought about everything in my life. I'm trying to learn to communicate with my instinct, my intuition, the great spirit, whatever you want to call it, but that part of us that doesn't think but makes all the right decisions. I should give myself more time to clear my head, I would function better in daily life.

There are several stairwells and balconies around the old, condemned YMCA next to Siddall. I have always wanted to explore but never took the time (who thinks of things like that when one is rushing to class or to go do something productive?). So I took the opportunity to explore the outside balconies and peek in the windows at three in the morning. Eli and Joe saw me from their window and opened it to say, "Hi, what the hell are you doing up there?" (their Siddall window is close to the YMCA building). We talked about what a shame it is this beautiful old building is just sitting there, the wonderful weather today, and compared notes on the evening. I think they were considerably more fucked up than me. I'm just crazy.

More to come on the "jiggles wiggles" situation.

The Five-Year Plan

2005-05-27T17:45:00.000-07:00

So it's probably a silly concept to have a "five-year plan" in mind when only 19 years old, and an aspiring musician at that, because things are always subject to change. My "five-year plan" is really just a loose set of things I want to do in the next five years. The thing on the top of my list was to go study with Jiggs Whigham. This week has only reaffirmed that he is one of the most amazing teachers and players I have ever had the pleasure to work with.

Only I found out yesterday that my goal to study with him in Berlin is probably not feasible. He has recently decided to retire next June.

When I first heard the news, I bawled my eyes out and wanted to quit school, quit music (although I've been having those thoughts a lot all year). A lot of that is just the ever-mounting frustration at my situation, in a school that has a way of sucking the life out of everything we do, under the instruction of Marc Fields, with whom I would rather not study anymore. Jiggs has an amazing spirit and an amazing way of bringing out the best in everyone's playing, and the fact that he will not be able to take me as a student is devastating.

So the past twenty-four hours, I'm trying to come to accept the fact that he's getting older and probably needs to retire (he runs a very grueling schedule), and that sometimes these things just happen. I should probably just enjoy the time I've worked with him this week, and not try to cling so hard to the future.

But now that things have gone all topsy-turvy, I need to rethink my life and the things I want to do in the next few years. My plan was to go to Berlin for study-abroad in the summer of 2006, and then in my senior year apply for as many grants, scholarships and loans as I could to go back on a student visa after I graduate. I didn't seriously consider any other options, and maybe it's my mistake for not keeping things more open. Maybe I should even consider some non-musical possibilities! I could:

Play trombone on a cruise ship
Work as a bartender
Work as a stripper
Go golddigging and marry a rich guy
Open a yarn store

So many options!

(yes I know I shouldn't be so cynical)

Or I could just try going east or west and see if people will actually pay me to play trombone.

(yes I know I should have a better attitude about it)

I'm not even sure at this point that I want to pursue studying German anymore. Yeah, I could try to go for a few months on a study abroad thing, try the beer, take some pictures, but I'm not sure it's as big of a priority to me anymore. And the language is alright, but I think I'd rather learn French and go back to Paris if given the choice.

Other than that, life has been crazy as always. I feel incredibly scatterbrained and hate it. Next year in September, I'm really going to make the effort to get my life in order: organize all my stuff, plan out a daily schedule and stick to it, etc etc. I feel like I would be more productive and less frazzled if my life and my stuff in my apartment weren't all such a mess. I love showing up to lab band rehearsal only to realize I forgot my trombone. And being late for every class, every day.

I also need to find the motivation to be a better protagonist in my life and my musical pursuits. i.e. going to jam sessions, more organized and focused practice time, getting a band together, being more willing to play with people, actively seeking out a weekly gig for myself.

Attitude and lifestyle adjustments are really essential if I want to get anywhere with this.

Oh yeah, and I guess I need to start looking at other grad schools, too.

Driving Mr. Whigham

2005-05-24T21:19:00.000-07:00

Well, originally Phil was going to pick up Jiggs from the airport today, and I was a bit relieved because I would have the evening to work on my jazz theory project. But I got a call at 7:30 from Phil saying "Jiggs plane is delayed and I need to get to a gig. Can you pick him up?" And I was a little bit excited because the more I get to kiss his ass, the better. So I waited for a looooong time for his flight, but when he got here I just felt bad for him because he had been flying or in an airport for 16 hours, which sucks. And was very jetlagged, which also sucks.

So even in a bad mood, Mr. Whigham still maintains a degree of pleasantness. He is probably one of the most charming and personable jazz musicians I have ever met, which I think is partly why he is one of the highest paid trombonists in the world (there are plenty of badasses, but a good personality will get you very far). I see some kroger runs, restaurant runs, organizational skills put to work, and lending out of my trombone in my future this week (his just gets mailed in advance by KING, and might not be here right away). But the bottom line is that I just hope I play well. It doesn't matter how many Kroger runs I make this week, he won't take me as a student if I suck!

In other news, Sam and I tried (the operative word in this sentence being "tried") to teach a song to the kids at Kid's Cafe. We had their attention and cooperation for about ten minutes and then one girl piped up and said "This is stupid!" It all went downhill from there. Oh well, I think Sam is really enthusiastic about the whole thing, which is awesome. She was awesome too. Much better with kids than I am.

Time to go to sleep, I'm dead tired since last night involved lots of alcohol and salsa dancing.

Jazz Arranging for Dummies

2005-05-22T17:03:00.000-07:00

So, while I did a lot of fun things this weekend, I spent most of that r & r time biting my nails over this arrangement I have to do. Today I finally holed myself up in my apartment and got a significant amount done. I plan to have the whole thing on paper today, and then this week all I have to worry about is throwing my computer out the window because Finale (the music notation software I use) is a huge pain in the ass. I just need to hire a copyist.

So I'm letting my brain take a break before writing the intro, because my head starts to hurt after thirty minutes or so of writing music. And I also have a short attention span (I like to say my brain has a small gas tank).

So the tune I'm arranging is a not-so-well-known Bill Evans tune called "Mother of Earl". I think it's from the 1960-61 recordings of him, Scott LaFaro and Paul Motian, these are some of my all time favorite jazz recordings. I cannot explain my love for Bill Evans in words.

Since I am being forced at gunpoint to write for trumpet, alto, tenor, trombone, bari and rhythm section, I'll try to make it sound as Gil Evans-esque as I can (tee hee, Bill Evans, Gil Evans, I'm a dork). But I'll probably mess it up since Gil Evans was the man and I'm a ditzy college student. Think "Birth of the Cool". That's what I want it to sound like.

So the first step to writing this was to write a lead sheet, which was a pain in the ass itself. I couldn't find one anywhere, so I had to transcribe the tune straight off the recording. This tune does not follow conventional "ii-V-I" jazz harmony, and had crazy Bill Evans/Scott Lafaro action which involves unconventional voicings and bass lines. So transcribing this took a really really long time. The things I love about the tune are making me bang my head into the wall over this project.

Now, in my writing process, I think I'm going a little bit crazy and unintentionally breaking all the rules Phil set down for us about good voicings for ensembles, etc etc. "Well, you know, this isn't wrong, but you are going against the grain." I don't really want to fit in his little box, but I also don't want to fail jazz theory. The case has generally been that as long as he likes how everything sounds in the end, I get an A. And I've written stuff before without the formal training I have now, and it sounded good, too. So I think I'm going to risk it and rely on what I think sounds good.

Deconstructing the things I hear in my head has also been really difficult. It's like, "Ok, I can't figure out what it is I'm hearing, but this note, this note and this note could work, so I'll just go with it." It becomes such a painful process, I feel like I'm compromising my original ideas just by putting them down on paper. Sometimes I almost feel like all the training gets in the way of being able to get my real ideas out. But that seems to be the universal dilemma of performing and fine arts everywhere: intuition versus intellect. Old news.

I also like to have snacks handy when I'm writing. Sometimes I think I would like to pursue a serious career in writing music after I finish my undergrad, but I would probably become morbidly obese, because I would never get out of my pajamas, and write all day while snacking on crackers, cheese, rasins, peanuts, and lots of coffee.

Another thing: I don't like doing my first draft on Finale. For some reason it makes me think differently, and I don't feel like things come out the same. I do everything on two staves on paper first, and then punch my complete sketch into Finale, so it looks all nice and pretty and I don't have to transpose and copy parts.

In other news: I just found out that I like Justin Timberlake, hehe! Rachel was playing a cd with a really good beat, and I was digging it, and I was like, "I like this! who is it?" "Oh it's Justin Timberlake! Yeah I like this cd too!" I think I've hit a new low in musical taste.

Man, what if Bill Evans and Justin Timberlake got together to do an album! That would have been tight ^.^

A hairy situation

2005-05-20T15:28:00.000-07:00

Well, I cut my hair short. Really short...... I mean, really really short. I think most people who see me in the next week will have a nice surprise.

It actually looks okay. I've had my hair pixied in the past, and I've always had a bit of a love for short hair. And while I loved the ironed-out "J-bob" I've sported the past year, it was time to say goodbye. The past few times I've had my hair cut at home, I've always said to Ray "Cut it all off, I'm serious!" and he would always talk me out of it because he loves the texture of my hair, and thinks I should have lots of it. Well, this time I went to a woman at B.Zahrs here in Clifton who had never seen my past haircut (the past week or so I've just let my hair do it's thing and be wavy and gross, I've had no time to iron it), so she didn't have any objection to chopping all my hair off.

For those of you from my high school who are readers, it's similar to the time I had that pixie cut where everyone said I looked like a lawn gnome...... and I still do. But it's ok.

In other news...... well, nothing of too much excitement has happened in the past day. Other than chopping all my hair off. I just haven't eaten much this week, which was intentional because I practically eat my weight in food on a daily basis, and I feel really hungry. Not just "oh it's time for dinner" hungry, I feel like, empty/low blood sugar/no energy hungry. I could seriously eat an entire pizza right now....... mmmmm pizza.

Thoughtcrimes II

2005-05-19T16:43:00.000-07:00

Oooooooooh shiny new blog! ~drools on keyboard~

I couldn't think of a more creative name, though. Any suggestions?

I haven't decided yet, but I think I sort of like this better than xanga. I like my pretty, generic pre-made template I chose!

Wow, I can even do spellcheck on here (yay!), and change colors, and use italics!

I'm excited.